


Truth Hurts

by Likethewholedamnfire



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, House Party, Opposites Attract, Secret Crush, Slow Burn, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:00:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likethewholedamnfire/pseuds/Likethewholedamnfire
Summary: She froze. From behind him, a tall, slim figure emerged. Long legs and dark skin, the woman fumbled with the buttons on the top of her dress, only to quickly adjust its length over her thighs. Her hair, though in braids, was ruffled, and she undid those next, letting the waves tumble over her shoulders in gorgeous, brown curls. Her cheeks were flushed; her eyes scoured the room, determining whether anyone had seen them. His did the same.ORClarke decides to attend one of Bellamy's many college parties, only to catch him hooking up with someone else.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 27
Kudos: 217





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I published this work under a different name a while ago, but decided it needed a revisit and a rework! :) 
> 
> I've taken a long hiatus from fanfiction and have been working on my novel instead. But I needed a break from that! 
> 
> Apologies to fans of my other works, I'm hoping to get updates to those soon. 
> 
> Meanwhile, enjoy! Comments and kudos always appreciated. 
> 
> Song Title: Truth Hurts by Lizzo, a song that got me through a particularly hurtful break-up.

She took a cautious sip of her drink. The taste of stale beer and plastic clung to her lips. She observed the packed, writhing bodies coolly. Sweat gathered at the back of her neck. The faint scent of marijuana wafted from beneath a closed door down the hall; soon, it overpowered the room, and everyone was lost in smoky haze and stifling heat and pounding music. She would sway to its erratic tempo, nodding her head along to the occasional wayward eye. Everyone was too far gone to notice her distance, and any attempt to pull her in was second-guessed and thought the better of; she didn’t really belong here, after all, so in the shadows, tucked away, seemed justified. Right.

A stranger in a strange land.

Eventually she’d see him. He’d emerge out of some doorway or other, and she’d be able to breathe again. Her heart would seize, a small, seismic tremor, against her will, and he’d tilt his head in greeting and hide his lips behind a bottle and his eyes would take her in fully, admiring her cleavage, then her curves, and something snarky would slip out like _You made it_. And she’d laugh and roll her eyes and quip back at him playfully. Octavia would normally murmur something about getting a room and storm off, but not far; she knew if she disappeared for too long her brother would come looking.

That left the two of them often unsupervised.

Their conversations were brief, tense, and typically resulted in a fight that would have Clarke fuming for the rest of the night. But she always came back. Bellamy didn’t extend too many invites to the college parties at his off-campus house, especially considering her and Octavia were still seniors in high school, but once his roommate Lincoln entered the picture, he didn’t have much of a choice. They became as much a staple as the cheap beer. He claimed it was fine, that way he could keep a more watchful eye on his sister ( _If she’s going to party, might as well be where I can make sure she’s safe,_ he’d said), but Clarke long suspected he’d realized that wherever Octavia went, she followed. Her presence assured Clarke’s.

Except tonight. Tonight Octavia and Lincoln had decided to skip the party in favor of a late-night movie, leaving Clarke at the mercy of her urge to dance and drink. _And see Bellamy,_ she’d thought before throwing her head into her covers to stifle a scream. After much debate, she’d decided to fuck it. It was 80s-themed, meaning they’d play the classics she knew the words to, and her favorite blazer rocked an excellent pair of shoulder pads. She’d smuggled a bottle of wine from her mom’s stock, parked her car a few streets down, and guzzled half of it in an old McDonald’s cup listening to Billie Eilish. She’d sent Octavia a quick text alerting her of her plans to tear up the dance floor (to which she’d replied: _Tell my brother hi ; )_ ) and refrained from driving home three times. She was already slightly buzzed, so that left the party; the good book and cup of hot tea could wait.

Plus, she knew some of his friends. Jasper and Monty were always good for a laugh. One tended the bar while the other kept the music honest; they’d yell in her direction any time they whipped up a new concoction or needed an opinion on the next song. Murphy, his other roommate, sulked on the couch. They’d only really been introduced, but Clarke was certain if she needed to she could sidle up next to him and no one was sure to approach. If Raven was there without her boyfriend, Finn, she wouldn’t have a problem at all, that woman was warm and wild and loved dragging Clarke around. But she got a weird vibe from Finn, who she caught staring at her more times than could be called coincidence. If any of them were there, she’d at least have a familiar face to gravitate toward.

She’d taken a deep breath by the time she reached the front door, convinced she’d be fine without her backup. After all, she’d never admit it out loud, but she was really here to see Bellamy.

If he was here, she’d be safe.

Or so she thought.

¬

She glanced around. That’s when she finally saw him, disheveled, eyes glazed, beer in hand, stepping out of his room. Flashes of sneaking in there with Octavia to get away from the crowd flooded her, and a smile began to tug softly on her lips as she sighed in relief and began to make her way over, hips sashaying, heart racing. _Fancy seeing you here,_ she thought with a tongue-click. _I was starting to think_ …

She froze. From behind him, a tall, slim figure emerged. Long legs and dark skin, the woman fumbled with the buttons on the top of her dress, only to quickly adjust its length over her thighs. Her hair, though in braids, was ruffled, and she undid those next, letting the waves tumble over her shoulders in gorgeous, brown curls. Her cheeks were flushed; her eyes scoured the room, determining whether anyone had seen them. His did the same.

All she saw was the back door after that. She remembered maneuvering through entangled limbs, head spinning, and placing her drink on a table somewhere after downing it. Cold air enveloped her as she stumbled down the back steps, towards the stone path that rounded the garage. The music grew distant. Her eyes tried to focus on sidewalks and streetlights, but for some reason all she could see was his throat, swallowing sip after sip, eyes roaming the crowd nonchalantly. She wondered if he was looking for her.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

It was stupid of her to come. What did she think was going to happen? She was a high school student; no one really wanted her there. His friends had waved, but were too absorbed with potential hook-ups and playlists to pay her mind. It was stupid of her to think she could handle it without Octavia. At least when they were ignored, they could gossip and giggle in the corner behind their drinks, guessing at the scandals taking place before them.

And it was stupid of her to think Bellamy cared.

She fumbled for her keys, turning on the street where her car was tucked by a tree. She wasn’t sober enough to drive yet, but waiting it out behind a steering wheel in a dark alley sounded exponentially better than sharing a couch with Murphy and choking back tears. Plus, staying behind risked the chance of Bellamy spotting her, pathetically alone and clearly distraught.

Or worse. If she stayed behind, she’d have to see _her_ with him.

Now that she definitely couldn’t bear.

Firing off a text to Octavia, _Hey, party’s a bust, didn’t miss much. Headed home soon_ , Clarke caught a glimpse of her reflection in her car window and fought the instinct to sob. She looked ridiculous, with her hair half-up in a white scrunchie to match her shoes, and tore it out immediately. Leaning her head against the side of her car, she hoped the dizziness would clear away soon so she could retreat to her bed and never show her face anywhere near this block again.

_God, I’m so stupid, why-_

‘Clarke?’


	2. Chapter 2

‘Clarke?’

She recognized the voice instantly. She’d only heard it a few times before, hurtling slurred insults at Murphy over loudspeakers or trying the room for the next arm-wrestling opponent, but it lacked its usual testiness now. Instead of its fiery edge, it took on a softer tone.

She looked up just in time to catch the flash of a familiar high ponytail. ‘Clarke! I thought it was you!’ Arms enveloped her. Everything happened so fast, but the weight of the hug grounded her. She needed it more than Raven probably realized.

‘It’s good to see you, girl,’ her spitfire friend beamed as she pulled back. ‘You going to Blake’s?’

Rather than getting into it, Clarke shrugged, hoping the tears she’d been about to shed would crawl back inside. He didn’t deserve them, anyway. ‘Just came from there, actually.’

‘Oh no! Was it lame? Did Murphy ruin it with another comment again? I swear to god, if he would just-’

‘No, no, I’m just tired,’ Her lips cracked into a barely-there smile. ‘Murphy’s off the hook.’

‘Oh,’ Raven’s eyes roamed over her questioningly. ‘You good to drive home?’

Clarke thought about it for a moment, but decided she was too tipsy, and Raven too perceptive, to lie through her teeth; her breath smelled strongly of wine, her sway was noticeable, and not even the discovery of Bellamy’s new conquest could sober her up enough to feign a clear head.

‘Not really. But I thought it was better to wait out here than snuggle up to everyone’s favorite cynic.’

‘In the alley? By yourself? On a college campus?’ Before she could protest, Raven had her arm hooked tightly in hers. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. We can hang out in Blake’s room till you’re good.’

Flashes of Bellamy’s throat, chugging the contents of his red solo cup, of the dark-haired girl with long legs, of his slightly ajar door and the tousled bed sheets beyond, barely visible through the crack, flooded Clarke’s mind. She fought Raven’s pull toward the street. ‘What about Finn?’

‘We’re taking a break,’ Raven slipped out, a little too quickly.

‘I’m sorry-’

‘You know what? Fuck him. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to dance, and drink.’

Clarke didn’t resist as much as they rounded the sidewalk. Finn and Raven, over? Just a few weeks ago they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. Now this?

She wondered absently if it had anything to do with the way Finn was eyeing her- and seemingly every other girl at the party.

After a moment of silent fuming, Raven huffed. ‘You know what? Men are the fucking worst.’ She didn’t even have to look at Clarke to know she agreed. ‘I vote we storm into this party, claim a bottle of whatever has the most left in it, and take it straight to the dance floor. They should be playing all the hits, so we’ll know the words. And we just…dance it out. Show them all they can’t fuck with us.’

Clarke wasn’t sure if it was the wine or her broken heart that thought this was a good idea. Both, probably.

‘Clarke,’ Raven swung to face her suddenly, ‘I know you’re tired, but do you think you could do me a solid and be my person tonight? I just…I need someone to get shit-faced with. I need a shoulder.’

She weighed her options. Either she turn around, camp out behind the wheel and cry to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ until she was steady enough to drive home and curl up under her covers, alone, or she parade back into a party where she knew practically no one and would have to suffer the sight of Bellamy with another girl, but could 1) drink to forget, 2) dance like an idiot with the only other person who felt as horrible as she did, and 3) prove to him that he meant nothing. That what he did, and who he did with it, meant _nothing._

She returned Raven’s plea with a smirk. ‘I’ve got your back.’

They were at the door before Clarke could see reason.


	3. Chapter 3

If no one knew who Clarke was before the party, they did now.

Two tequila shots, two vodka red bulls, and an off-key rendition of Toto’s _Africa_ later, she found herself performing a badly timed macarena on the coffee table in the center of the living room.

Raven was with her, of course. The two had tackled everything from Bon Jovi to Journey to Stevie Wonder in the hour since they’d waltzed through the front door, arm in arm, with a newly minted conviction: don’t give a fuck. They embraced it whole-heartedly. Jasper and Monty kept them placated with hits, and soon the room buzzed with their infectious energy; Raven shouted at people who weren’t dancing or drinking, leaving behind only the foolhardy to join in their frenzy. Bellamy wasn’t among them. Clarke spotted him occasionally weaving in and out of rooms, targeting no one in particular; the girl he was with before sulked in a corner, clearly upset she wasn’t the focus of his attention. He never once looked in her direction.

By her fourth drink, Clarke thought that was the funniest shit she’d ever seen.

To be fair, he didn’t look at Clarke, either. _Good,_ she’d thought as she shed her blazer and threw it into the crowd of adoring onlookers. _He can fuck right off._ She didn’t give a single damn.

The boys had strayed from the 80s at this point in an attempt to help Raven with her current endeavor: getting Murphy to dance. It was a brave undertaking; one she had been struggling with for fifteen minutes.

‘Come _on!’_ She yanked on his arm, but to no avail; not even the macarena’s irresistible rhythm could entice him. It seemed as if Raven’s whole night of forgetting Finn boiled down to one asshole’s refusal to party. If she couldn’t get him to whip out a sprinkler or slip in a classic shopping cart, then God them help them all, she’d either set the place on fire or curl up into a ball and cry. Clarke wasn’t sure which one would be harder to handle.

‘One dance won’t kill you, but _I will_ ,’ she gritted her teeth and pulled again.

He sat there like a statue and tried not to laugh.

‘Clarke, help. Please?’

‘You’re calling blondie in for backup?’

‘Trust me,’ Raven warned with mustered sincerity, ‘You do _not_ want to get on her bad side.’

Clarke knew she had no proof of her claim. There were no stories of retribution. She could be fostering kittens and dishing out meals at soup kitchens on weekends for all Raven knew, but she smiled sinisterly, nonetheless. It felt good to be feared. If only Raven could say that a little louder with a certain person near, a person who seemed to be evading the living room at all costs. He’d skirted around it for the last hour, sticking to the hallways and bedrooms religiously. She started to wonder if he even realized she was here.

As much as she’d convinced herself she didn’t care, she needed him to know she didn’t.

‘I’d listen to her if I was you. I’m known for my mean streak. I can make your life a living hell.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Color Murphy’s interest peaked _finally_. It was the first time she’d seen him show genuine curiosity in something that wasn’t reaching the bottom of his drink.

‘Don’t test me,’ Clarke hopped down from the table, snatched his drink, and emptied it in one gulp. Wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve, she threw the cup in his lap. ‘Need another? Allow me.’

‘ _Shit girl!’_ Raven tossed her the biggest grin while Murphy remained speechless, eyes wide. He looked torn between yelling _‘Fuck you!’_ and _‘Bedroom. Now.’_ ‘I like you!’

Clarke smiled triumphantly. ‘I’ll be back.’

Just as the opening notes of the _Electric Slide_ rang out, followed by a round of cheers, she’d managed to weave through the crowd and down a quieter hallway towards the bathroom. Her head spun, but not like before; now she felt goofy and warm. Full-on _drunk._ There were a few stragglers chatting softly, but the rest of the party had been drawn towards the living room.

Pulling out her phone, she fired off a quick text to Octavia seeing if she could bum a ride home or possibly crash on her couch. If not, she bet Raven didn’t live far from here; she could rough it one night on a dorm floor if she had to.

While she waited for a response, she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. A smile spread itself across her face involuntarily as she pictured that girl alone in the corner, Bellamy nowhere in sight. She wondered who she was. Maybe somebody he met in class, or online.

‘You okay there, Griffin?’

Her eyes flew open.

That deep, husky voice could only belong to one person.

Bellamy leaned casually against the wall opposite her, black t-shirt, low-cut denim, drink in hand. Dark curls fell in shadowy swoops across his forehead. In the light, his freckles seemed to dance along his cheeks, brown stars she’d traced the pattern of in her dreams for hours.

‘Hi.’

‘Hey,’ His eyes quickly glanced over her. ‘I thought you weren’t coming. Octavia-‘

‘Convinced me I needed to live a little,’ she finished, tucking her arms behind her back and rocking on her feet. She bit her lip as her hips swayed forward, taking a risk by letting her eyes trail down. One hand was stuffed in his pocket, the other held his drink. His waist propped him up. His shoulders were hunched in a relaxed way. She was so used to seeing him tensed to protect that this…was different. _Is this what he’s like when Octavia isn’t around?_ She thought to the times they’d been left alone together. Maybe she was just drunk. Or maybe he was comfortable enough around her now that he _could_ relax.

She tried not to focus on the patch of skin his t-shirt, riled up slightly, revealed, and instead cleared her throat. ‘Besides,’ she titled her head towards the music. ‘Can’t resist the 80s.’

‘I can see that,’ he raised his eyebrows at her outfit and makeup and chuckled.

‘Wait till you see the shoulder pads. My jacket’s in there.’

‘I caught a few glimpses. Nice moves, by the way.’

‘Thanks,’ she rolled her eyes. The alcohol in her system made her feel light and dizzy, but there was something about being next to Bellamy that made the world spin. She hated it. ‘So what? Did our dancing intimidate you that much? Is that why you didn’t come say hi?’

‘You caught me,’ he took a swig of his drink, then. Clarke’s mind suddenly drowned in images of him leaving his room with _her._ She felt a rock form in the pit of her stomach. Flashes of him scanning the crowd, swallowing his beer slowly. She knew she had no right to him. It was just a crush. But right then- that’s exactly what it felt like, crushing, heavy. He’d just hooked up with someone.

She couldn’t forget the promise she’d made to Raven- tonight was about showing Bellamy he couldn’t fuck with her. He could get with all the girls he wanted. She didn’t own him. And he certainly didn’t owe her anything – they were friends.

And they could both do whatever they _damn well pleased._

Emboldened, she looked straight at him, and banishing all emotion from her voice, teased playfully, ‘So who’s the girl?’

He nearly choked on his drink. She stifled a laugh. ‘What?’

‘The girl I saw you leave you room earlier with,’ she shrugged innocently. ‘She’s pretty.’

He blinked. Just as he opened his mouth to respond, however, a loud crash jolted their attention away from each other.


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke flew into the room, picturing a toppled-over Raven straddling Murphy on the couch, punching him in the arm, or Jasper tripping over an extension cord. Bellamy followed behind, whatever he was about to say lost.

It took her a moment to process the scene. Finn cradled his jaw, lying on his back helplessly _(When did he get here?)._ Raven towered over him, eyes flaring, hands clenched in fists. Murphy stood beside Raven protectively, ready to pull her away should she lunge again, or throw himself in front of her should Finn get any bright ideas. The rest of the party clung to the walls. Jasper and Monty cut the music, causing stragglers to crowd open doorways, trying to get a peek at the commotion.

‘You son of a bitch,’ Raven spat at the boy on the ground.

‘Ra-Raven, I’m so sorry-’

‘Sorry?’ She laughed. It sent chills down Clarke’s spine. She couldn’t imagine how Finn felt. ‘You’re fucking sorry. Well, that’s great. Thanks. I feel so much better.’

‘I am, please. You have to believe me, I never-’

‘I don’t _have_ to do anything for you,’ She took a step toward him and the whole room gasped collectively. ‘You know what? Just get out.’ When he didn’t move to leave, she raged. Furious tears threatened to race down her cheeks. ‘ _Get. Out.’_

Clarke took the standstill as an opportunity to rescue her friend. ‘Raven,’ she hooked her arm and tried to lead her toward the back door. ‘Come on, let’s go. He’s not worth it.’

She had no clue what Finn had done, but if whatever it was had incurred Raven’s wrath, she was surprised to see him still alive with all limbs seemingly intact. His face would bruise, of course, but based on how the girl had supposedly gotten revenge in the past, he should be counting himself lucky. Clarke definitely wouldn’t want to cross her.

Bellamy took stock of Finn, still on the floor looking like a pathetic, crumpled mess, and Raven, her knuckles caked in blood. ‘You good?’ he asked her, his eyes barely registering Clarke. The moment they did, her stomach fluttered. _Stop it_ , she warned herself. 

Raven nodded. ‘He needs to get the fuck out of here. I don’t want to see him.’

She didn’t have to say anymore; both Murphy and Bellamy yanked him up under his shoulders and dragged him out of the room. It wasn’t until the front door slammed shut that Raven breathed a sigh of relief. ‘God, what a fucking night.’

‘You okay?’ They slumped on the couch together as the party resumed; Jasper and Monty kicked it into high gear with the playlist and passed around free shots. It was like Finn had never interrupted.

‘He cheated on me,’ Raven let a tear escape before wiping at it quickly. ‘Some girl in his class. He told me about it earlier today. Said it happened while I was home last weekend.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s just, you think you know someone…’ she sighed again. ‘Take my advice. Don’t ever fall in love. It’s the fucking worst, and you’ll only get hurt.’

 _Too late,_ Clarke thought bitterly. ‘I’m going to get you some water.’

Don’t fall in love, huh? Well, she wasn’t exactly doodling rainbows and hearts with bows through them that spelled out _Mrs. Blake_ in a secret notebook or listening to songs of the unrequited on repeat while making out with her pillow. If anything, she hated Bellamy more than she loved him. His whole white knight routine, the let-me-swoop-in-and-save-the-day act by ‘teaching the bad guy a lesson’ because I’m a dark and broody tortured soul type with a rap sheet and a pension for heroism…let’s just say, Clarke liked to poke fun at the big head that came with saving cats in trees and helping old ladies cross the street. But somewhere along the way, it became less ‘fun’ and more flirtatious. She’d never admit it to anyone, but there was something about the way he irked her that also turned her on.

She hated herself for this almost as much as she hated him.

Raven was right, though. Based on how the night was going for both of them, love only spelled out one ending: pain.

She filled two glasses of water at the sink and was on her way back to the living room when something out the window caught her eye. Moving aside the curtain slightly, she peered through the half-shuttered blinds to see Bellamy and Murphy still outside with an arguing Finn.

All of a sudden, Bellamy’s fist coiled and connected with Finn’s jaw, sending him spiraling backwards. His next words were loud enough that Clarke could hear them. ‘I never want to see you around her again, you hear me? She’s done with you. Leave her alone.’

‘Dude, you have no idea what you just lost,’ Murphy added. The two of them turned around to head inside, leaving Finn to stumble home, bloodied and bruised.

 _Well, fuck._ Chivalry wasn’t dead, after all. She only wished she’d been the one to hit him.

She brought a glass to Raven, and then excused herself to the bathroom. The past ten minutes had been a whirlwind, and she’d almost forgotten that’s why she left the room in the first place, before she ran into Bellamy.

She was just drying her hands when she heard a knock on the door.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey,’ Clarke countered, stepping out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

Bellamy ran a hand over his face and sighed. ‘Murphy took Raven home.’

‘Good,’ she nodded, crossing her arms. She hadn’t checked her phone in a while, and fished it out of her back pocket. Octavia responded with _On our way_ about ten minutes ago. _Thank god._ After the eventful night, she’d hate to have to stay here much longer, let alone ask Bellamy for his couch to crash on.

She locked the screen and tucked it away. She’d need to find her blazer and purse in the crowd.

Bellamy looked exhausted. Both hands were in his pockets now, and he wasn’t leaning as much as he was slumped against the wall, his head back and eyes on the ceiling.

‘What a jackass,’ Clarke murmured, moving to slump next to him.

‘I never liked him. No one is good enough for Raven, but he _for sure_ wasn’t.’

She hummed her agreement. They remained like that, silent and processing, for a few moments, both deep in thought. She fought to ignore the electricity that shot up her arm when she accidentally brushed his. _Get a hold of yourself, Griffin. Friends. Just friends._

‘You sure know-’

‘Listen, Clarke-’

The both stopped mid-sentence and stared at each other. Bellamy’s eyes were tired, but there was something about the way he looked at her- sad? Regretful? And something else. Something-

‘Clarke, I-‘

‘There you are!’

The girl from earlier materialized seemingly out of thin air and strode straight towards Bellamy with a sly smirk. Winding her hands in his hair, she pulled him down almost predatorily and devoured his lips. Shocked, Clarke watched, open-mouthed, heart racing, ears burning, before glancing away sheepishly. She pulled out her phone to check her messages, desperate for one from Octavia.

Her screen was blank. ‘Uh, O’s just pulling up, so-’

Bellamy fought to break away, but the girl clung to him fiercely. Clarke didn’t stick around to see if he actually managed to get loose. _Fuck him_ , Raven’s voice echoed in her mind. _You don’t need that. If he wanted you, he wouldn’t be with her._ Murphy’s words filtered in, too. _Dude, you have no idea what you just lost._

Grabbing her jacket and purse, Clarke waved to Monty and Jasper, who enthusiastically tried to encourage her to rejoin the dance floor. She tapped her wrist and shrugged apologetically. Making her way to the back door, she thought she heard her name called out, but didn’t bother to turn around: the only person who knew her well enough to chase after her was someone she didn’t want to see.

Stepping outside, she took a deep breath of cold air and allowed her feet to carry her towards the curb. Slipping her jacket over her shoulders, she shivered and curled into herself, watching cars drive past. She’d have to get hers in the morning.

‘Clarke?’

Her heart dropped.

‘It’s me,’ a shadowy figure stumbled out of the bushes, bloodied and bruised. ‘It’s Finn.’


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter takes a violent turn. 
> 
> I apologize to anyone who may be affected by this. I kept it short, so if you need to, please skip ahead! You don't need to know anything except that Finn attacks Clarke for speaking up about hurting Raven outside of the party. 
> 
> (Keep in mind that this differs from the 100 slightly. In this fic, Clarke and Finn never actually have a relationship. They know each other through Bellamy's college friends, and he seems off when they meet, but they are never together romantically.)
> 
> Thank you for the hits, comments, and kudos! :)

‘Sorry,’ he tripped towards her, clearly drunk. ‘I didn’t mean to scare you.’

She clenched a fist around the strap of her purse. Octavia should actually be pulling up any minute, that wasn’t just a lie to escape Bellamy getting a tongue shoved down his throat, but Clarke wished now she had just waited her out inside, said a proper goodbye to Jasper and Monty, enjoyed another song. Of course, she didn’t know Finn was still lurking around the party.

‘Are you waiting for a ride?’ He stopped a few feet away, dragging his sleeve across his mouth. He smelled strongly of beer. Sweat caked his forehead. She could see his jaw had already started to purple. She’d have to compliment Raven later, and thank Bellamy. When he wasn’t busy. She was sure his second punch deepened the mark. 

‘Hey,’ he reached out when she refused to look at him.

‘Don’t touch me.’

‘Okay, okay,’ he held his hands up innocently and backed away, not nearly as far as Clarke would’ve liked. ‘I’m not trying to… _do_ anything.’

‘What do you want, Finn? Why are you still here?’

His fingers raked through his hair nervously as he looked out to the street, lost in thought. ‘I really fucked up tonight.’

‘Tonight?’ Clarke couldn’t help but scoff. _Where was Octavia?_

‘What’re you trying to say?’ He shuffled closer. Clarke turned away. ‘Look, I _love_ Raven. I love her. We’ve been together for so long… I would never hurt her-‘

‘But you did, so.’

‘What? You don’t believe me?’ She tightened her grip as his voice rose angrily. ‘Well, that fucking checks out. You know what, _Clarke?_ You’re a fucking bitch, and it’s none of your goddamn-‘

_That was it._ She couldn’t take it anymore.

She wasn’t sure if it was the vile concoction of Murphy’s she’d downed or affection for her newfound friend that gave her courage, but she took it and ran blindly.

‘Stop looking for pity. No one is going to give it to you. You didn’t just fuck up tonight. You ruined your entire relationship, and for what? What did you think was going to happen? That she would forgive you? Take you back?’

He stared at her incredulously. She rolled her eyes. ‘She told me, okay? I know about the cheating. So if you’re looking for a shoulder to cry on, look somewhere else. And just because you’re an idiot, doesn’t mean you can take it out on others. You’re the fuck-up.’

She should’ve pretended to have left something inside, then. Her wallet, keys. She should’ve headed back towards the lights and the people, instead of continuing to stand there with him on a now deserted street, breathless and fuming. She should’ve been smarter. Should’ve feigned a phone call. Should’ve _made_ a phone call. _Something._

She was taken off guard. It happened so fast. One moment he was sluggish and clumsy, and the next his hands were on her, dragging her towards the side of the house.

_‘Get off of me!’_ She screamed and kicked at him. 

‘I _love_ Raven, okay?’ He threw her to the ground. She fell on her back, hard. Her head collided with the concrete sidewalk. Her vision went watery as tears formed. Her chest burned for breath, and she fought to claim it, rolling over and climbing to her hands and knees. His foot landed in her stomach. She buckled. ‘Raven and I are meant to be! I made a _mistake._ Okay? Everyone makes mistakes! No one is perfect. Not even you, Clarke Griffin.’

She frantically elbowed herself out of his grip as he tugged on her hair and scrambled to her feet. Crying for help, she knocked loudly on the nearest window, but the music overpowered her. Headlights flashed along the glass. _Octavia!_

Whirling around, she dodged his fist and managed to land her own right on his injured cheek. He groaned and cradled it. Hoping to have disabled him, she ran for the driveway, only to feel herself falling as a hand yanked on her ankle, pulling her down. Her chin met with the sidewalk. Darkness started to encroach. She felt a body crawl on top of her. She forced herself to fight. To scream. She heard fabric rip, and a faint, but horrified ‘ _Clarke!’_ in the distance.

The weight was removed suddenly. She heard shouts, but only saw blurry shapes. Panic seized her as a pair of hands combed through her hair in quick, gentle strokes. She relaxed as Octavia’s voice sharpened. ‘It’s going to be okay. I love you. I’m here. It’ll be okay.’

Lincoln had wrestled Finn to the ground, had his arms pinned behind his back, and was on the phone, presumably to the police. The rest of the party had drifted out of the house, filing into the lawn, a sea of confused, concerned faces.

Bellamy fought his way to the front.

‘What the hell-‘

He stopped in his tracks.

Clarke couldn’t tell what he said to Octavia, but she suddenly felt herself lifted by a set of strong, warm arms. She felt the press of his lips to her hair, and nestled herself into the comfort of his chest. His heart raced wildly, but she found herself only able to focus on its erratic rhythm. Everything else faded away.

He settled them onto the curb. Rocking her gently, he mumbled to her, but she couldn’t quite make out the soft words as sirens approached.

For a moment, she thought she heard _‘I love you.’_

‘Bellamy,’ she croaked as the shock wore off. Her jaw was numb, and something dull and terrible started to awake in her body. _Pain_ , she registered faintly.

‘I’ve got you.’

She nodded and smiled. ‘Thank you.’


	6. Chapter 6

A few days later, Clarke found herself home alone. Octavia had been pretty much inseparable from her since that night, but at some point, she had to go back to school. Clarke would too, eventually.

She left that reluctantly morning with a quick kiss on the cheek and a promise to return with all of Clarke’s assignments later that afternoon. Her mother left for work shortly afterwards, assuring Clarke she would have her phone on her should she be needed.

Clarke had waved them off with laughter. She’d be fine. Her broken rib stung slightly, but the gash on her chin had started to heal nicely, and her ankle, after rounds of ice and rest, felt able to bear most of her weight. Besides, the whole week had been a whirlwind of doctor’s visits and police statements; she’d be happy to have some time to herself to process.

Broaching the fridge, she opted for a glass of orange juice instead of risking a taste of Jasper and Monty’s thoughtful casserole. They’d dropped it off yesterday. It didn’t look bad, but she was pretty sure the top crust was just a sheet of crumbled Doritos, and the rest layers of cheese whiz and hamburger meat.

‘Jasper was determined to get this to you,’ Monty whispered to her separately. ‘He claims it’s a family recipe. I think he just wasn’t sure what to do.’ He paused, then added, ‘None of us are.’

Surprised, she’d thanked them graciously. She wasn’t expecting Bellamy’s friends to have cared so much, but then again, she supposed they felt partially guilty. They’d been at the party. They’d seen the state Finn was in, and they knew him better than she did. Still, it was irrational; no one knew he was capable of that. And no one knew he was even still around, not after the scene he’d caused. Not after being threatened by Raven. Only someone with a true death wish would go against her, Clarke figured. She seemed loyal, but ruthless.

Murphy had visited, too. ‘I don’t come bearing any gifts,’ he shrugged sheepishly. ‘Just, you know, the chance for you to take in all this’ he’d motioned to his body, and she’d pushed at his shoulder playfully.

‘Get over yourself.’ They spent an hour on her back porch, chatting idly. She wasn’t sure that was something he could even do, given that his native language was sarcasm, but they managed to find a few things in common.

Raven had also come by, the day after the incident. 

‘Clarke, I’m so sorry,’ she hugged her fiercely. ‘This is all my fault.’

‘Hey,’ Clarke pulled away from her long enough to notice the tears. ‘This is not your fault. It’s no one’s but Finn’s. He’s the bad guy. He chose to cheat on you. He chose to hurt me. Okay? You didn’t do anything.’

‘I know, but he was upset about me, and I could’ve tried to talk with him instead of-‘

‘Hey,’ Clarke held her friend tighter. ‘Don’t blame yourself. Whose to say he wouldn’t have gone after you? Or done something worse, especially if you’d been alone with him? I’m fine. And you’re not with him anymore. And that’s what matters.’

She pulled back then, wiped under her eyes, and smiled. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m here to comfort _you,_ not the other way around.’

Clarke laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. ‘You deserve to be comforted just as much. That night was hard for everyone, but especially for you. I got a few scrapes, you got a broken heart.’

‘I didn’t know he could do something like that.’

‘Raven,’ Clarke hesitated, then took a deep breath. ‘I need you to know- I decided to press charges.’

Raven was quiet for a moment, lost in thought. Finally, she looked over at her and nodded slowly, ‘Good. I think that’s for the best. He needs help.’

The two spent the next few minutes together in silence. The night before they’d been so carefree, so rambunctious, dancing on tables, teasing Murphy. Clarke admittedly was afraid this would ruin their friendship, a friendship they’d only really just started. They hadn’t spent much time together, but she’d developed a fondness for Raven, for all of Bellamy’s friends, and she was sure this would cause a rift in any foundation.

But after a while, Raven sighed. ‘You know, I still stand by what I said.’

‘What’s that?’

She leaned over and rested her head on Clarke’s shoulder. ‘Fuck ‘em all.’

Bellamy had traveled with her in the ambulance to the hospital, but she hadn’t seen much of him since then. Octavia relayed updates to him about Clarke regularly, so she supposed there wasn’t much of a need for him to stop by, not consistently. He’d poke his head in now and then, but never long enough to hold an actual conversation with her. He had bought her flowers, but Octavia delivered them.

‘This better not mean my brother’s in love with you,’ she’d joked.

Now that she was home alone, she had time to think about what she’d heard. Or imagined she’d heard. _I love you._ To be fair, she’d been completely delirious from shock. And if he had actually said it, he probably meant it in a brotherly way. After all, they’d practically grown up together. Her and Octavia had been best friends for years. Their families knew each other well. He’d always looked out for her. Always been there for her. That night was no exception.

She pondered this as she made her way to the couch with her orange juice, ready to turn on the next episode of her documentary series. Before she could settle under the blanket, however, she heard a knock on the front door.

‘Bellamy?’

‘Clarke.’

‘Hi,’ she leaned out of the doorway and smiled as he ran a hand through his hair. ‘What’re you-‘

‘How are-‘

They both stopped as they tried to speak at the same time.

‘You first,’ she laughed.

‘How are you?’

‘Good. Better.’

They paused awkwardly. His hand traveled to the nape of his neck nervously as he glanced down the street. ‘Well, I just wanted to come by and, uh, see how you were.’

‘Thank you.’ _He must have said it._ I love you. _That’s why he’s acting so strange and uncomfortable, and why he won’t look at me. He said it!_ ‘Do you want to come in for a bit?’

‘I actually have class, but this was on the way, so.’

‘Oh, well, thanks. Yeah, I’m good,’ she bit her lip.

‘Do you need anything?’

‘No. Monty and Jasper dropped off a casserole yesterday, so I think I’m all set.’

‘Yeah, uh, probably best if you don’t eat that,’ His shoulders seemed to relax for a moment, and, noticeably, so did hers, although her pulse quickened as his whole face lit up with an easy grin.

‘Noted,’ she laughed again.

‘Well, uh, I better go,’ Shuffling his feet, he motioned to his car. ‘But, uh-’

‘What’s up?’ She asked, concerned. He stopped being able to meet her eyes again.

‘Look, uh, about what you said that night-‘ he swallowed, and proceeded carefully. Something like dread started to form in her stomach, but she fought it down. ‘I, uh, just think you should know, I’ve started seeing someone. Echo, the girl from, uh, the party. The one you saw me with.’

‘Oh,’ Clarke tried not to let anything show too clearly on her face except confusion. ‘Okay?’

‘I didn’t want to bring it up, because I know that night was such a blur. I mean, so much happened, so I know you probably didn’t mean it, or meant it in, like, the moment, because I was there. Also you hit your head pretty hard so…I just, thought you should know. About Echo. I didn’t want you to find out from O or someone else. In case…you meant it.’

‘Bell, what are you talking about? What I said?’

‘Do you remember?’

‘I remember Finn, and calling out. And I remember everyone came outside, and then you carried me to the curb to wait for the ambulance. But, no, I don’t remember saying anything except thank you.’

‘Oh, uh,’ his hand went back to his neck. ‘Then, uh, it doesn’t matter, I guess. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. I’m glad you’re feeling better.’

‘Bell, wait!’ She reached out for him as he stumbled down her front steps and towards his car quickly. ‘What did I say?’

‘I’ll talk to you later! I’ve got to get to class!’

And with that, he sped off, leaving Clarke to question everything.

As she shut her door, she leaned against it, heart racing. _What I said. What I said._ The words seemed to beat heavily in her ears. _What I said._

It hit her as hard as learning about Echo moments ago, only this time she was alone, and all the fear, shock, horror and heartbreak didn’t have to hide. Sobs escaped her chest as she slumped to the floor and buried her head in her hands.

Bellamy didn’t say I love you.

She did.

To him.

_Fuck._


	7. Chapter 7

~Three Weeks Later~

‘We don’t have to go.’

Clarke peeked her head out from behind Octavia’s closet door. ‘Are you kidding?’

‘I just mean-’ her legs kicked in the air lazily as she splayed out on her stomach, beneath her a mountain of discarded outfits. To anyone else, she looked relaxed. To Clarke’s trained eye, she could tell she was nervous; her fingers twirled madly around long strands of hair. ‘If it’s too soon, I wouldn’t mind-’

‘I’m fine,’ she continued to parade through options. ‘The semester’s over. It’s Christmas break. Don’t we deserve to do a little celebrating?’

‘I’m just saying,’ Octavia stood to wrap her arms around her best friend from behind. Clarke flinched inwardly, but her face remained cool, calm. They stared at each other in the mirror thoughtfully. ‘We could do our celebrating _here._ ’

‘Not a chance,’ Clarke smirked as she flung a sparkly emerald dress in her direction. ‘Lincoln _has_ to see you in this.’

She held up the dress in question and raised an eyebrow mischievously. ‘If you’re sure…’

‘100%’ Clarke replied without hesitation. ‘Try it on.’ She ambled over to the bed and threw herself onto the covers. Propping herself up on her elbows, she waited as Octavia quickly changed, taking deep, steadying breaths. She was pretty much physically healed from the incident with Finn, save her rib, which needed a few more weeks, but occasionally she’d get a flashback or a sensation that would send her spiraling for a few seconds. No one knew. No one needed to know. She didn’t want to cause alarm. They were just episodes. She got over them alone and fast.

‘What do you think?’

Her jaw dropped the minute Octavia emerged, looking like a Grecian goddess. ‘Not fair.’

‘Okay, your turn.’

Clarke rolled her eyes. ‘Can’t I just go in this?’ She was currently wearing her favorite sweats and a ratty band t-shirt she’d picked up from a concert years ago. That was pretty much all she had worn for the past three weeks, even to school.

‘Absolutely not,’ Octavia reached suspiciously to the back of her closet. ‘You’re going to wear _this.’_

Clarke nearly choked. ‘No. Way.’

‘Who just said we have some _celebrating_ to do?’ She winked.

‘O, no.’

‘Oh, come on,’ she nailed her with sad, pathetic eyes. She wished she’d gone for blackmail; then Clarke would’ve stood a chance. But Octavia knew by now that rarely worked on her. To get her to cooperate, she had to pull out the wounded-puppy look. ‘ _Please.’_

‘Fine.’

‘You’re going to look so hot,’ She tossed the romper at her triumphantly. As she scurried to the bathroom to let Clarke change, Octavia threw one last, weirdly smug look over her shoulder. 

‘ _Plus,_ it’s so funny to watch my brother blush.’

‘Girl, you look HOT!’ Raven wolf whistled as Clarke and Octavia shed their coats in the entryway. She pulled her into a tight hug, a bottle of whiskey in one hand, as Octavia sauntered off to find her boyfriend, promising them she’d return soon. ‘How are you?’

Clarke pulled self-consciously down on the shorts of the strapless, bright red romper. The hem barely left anything to the imagination. ‘I told O I wanted to lay low,’ she mumbled, tripping slightly in her heels despite standing still.

‘Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna happen’ Raven was looking directly at her cleavage, which was on fully display, despite Clarke’s efforts to wear her hair in loose, wavy curls.

‘Me? Look at you!’ Clarke took in Raven’s outfit choice. It was an oversized, ugly Christmas sweater, complete with bells, bows, tinsel, and colorful lights she suspected actually turned on, thigh-high black boots, and…that was it.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ she rolled her eyes and threw an arm around Clarke’s shoulder, leading her inside. ‘I lost a bet with Murphy. Long story.’

She expected the living room to look like it had last time, a throng of dancing bodies, red solo cups strewn everywhere, Jasper and Monty’s DJ station set up on a rickety table in the corner amidst shot glasses and ping-pong balls, but she’d underestimated the boys’ ingenuity.

The whole room was lit up in blinking green and red. Gold and silver tinsel lined the walls, and overhead, strings of lights and ornaments crossed in crazy patterns. Jasper and Monty performed on what looked like a large, sloppily wrapped present. There was a small tree on the coffee table, which was pushed against the wall, and several random plastic candy canes scattered about. It looked like someone had done a graffiti-style poster that read _Happy Holidays Motherfuckers!_ It was truly, impressively _festive._

Perhaps most shocking of all, however, was the plush armchair set up in the corner of the room beneath the sign: _Santa’s Village. Hoes Welcome._ Because in it was none other than John Murphy himself, dressed as Father Christmas.

‘Have you been naughty this year, little girl?’ he called out shamelessly. ‘Come sit on Santa’s lap.’

Clarke shook her head in disbelief. ‘Whose got what on you?’

‘Now, now,’ he waved her over. She rolled her eyes and complied as Raven announced over the music she was going to grab them some punch. ‘And what would _you_ like for Christmas?’

‘Nice touch,’ she tugged on his beard playfully. It snapped back against his chin. ‘I almost fell for it.’

‘All women do. It’s part of my charm. I can make anything sexy,’ His eyes roamed over her appreciatively. ‘Speaking of which, that’s quite the outfit you got on, Griffin.’

‘Thanks, Santa,’ she teased. Raven appeared and passed out drinks. Clarke sipped hers happily as the other two started a fight about what was in the punch, wondering if Raven noticed how Murphy couldn’t stop staring at her exposed thighs.

Octavia found them, towing Lincoln behind her, and demanded that they all join the dance floor immediately. Murphy, of course, refused, continuing to call out to poor, unsuspecting girls as they passed by. The rest of them crowded around Jasper and Monty to check out the playlist. After a few suggestions were added, they lost themselves to the music. Clarke was thankful for her drink. She couldn’t quite move the same with her rib, but the alcohol eased some of the pain.

A few songs later, Raven disappeared to rescue some young freshmen who had been caught in Murphy’s net. Octavia slipped away to the bathroom, leaving Lincoln and Clarke as wallflowers.

‘How are you, Clarke?’ He spoke up after a few minutes of catching their breath.

‘I’m okay,’ she said it positively, trying to reassure him like everyone else, but there was something about Lincoln. She felt like he could see right through her. Like there was no reason to lie because he wouldn’t buy it, anyway. ‘It’s been…yeah, it’s been rough.’

‘I can imagine.’

‘I’ve got such a great support group, though. Octavia is-’

‘Incredible,’ he looked out onto the party raging around them.

‘I wouldn’t be as strong as I am if it wasn’t for her.’

‘Bellamy is, too,’ he glanced over at her thoughtfully. ‘Incredible.’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded and looked away. She hadn’t spoken to Bellamy since he’d visited her house. Hadn’t even seen him. ‘How are…How is…How are he and Echo, right?’ She feigned disinterest at first, but then remembered who she was talking to. Lincoln couldn’t be fooled.

‘They’re good,’ he licked his lips. ‘Clarke, look, I think you should know-’

 _‘What are you two doing?_ ’ Octavia laughed loudly, clearly tipsy, and yanked on Lincoln’s arm. ‘I thought we were _dancing.’_

Clarke stared after them, puzzled, as they bled into the thriving bodies once again, Lincoln shooting her an apologetic look over his shoulder. _Should know what?_ What should she know? Lincoln was Bellamy’s best friend and roommate. If anyone knew anything about his feelings, it was him. But he’d said Bellamy and Echo were good. So then, what?

Horrified, she realized Bellamy probably told Lincoln what she’d admitted the night of the incident, and he was only trying to express sympathy. _I’m sorry, he just doesn’t feel that way about you._ Her heart ached. This had been a stupid idea. She shouldn’t have come. It was too soon, not in the way Octavia thought. Not because she couldn’t handle people after being attacked, but because she couldn’t endure seeing _him_. Even if he was happy. It was too soon.

Lost in thought, Clarke accidentally bumped into someone. She lost her balance. Her body recoiled from the memories as she fell, hard. ‘I’m so sorry!’ The stranger frantically reached for her, but as his hands wrapped around her arms, she tensed. ‘I’m fine!’ she snapped. Stumbling to her feet, she felt the darkness encroach. _Deep breaths, deep breaths._ She needed fresh air.

Stepping outside, she crouched down, burying her head in her hands, letting her neck sink between her knees. It was freezing, but the cold sharpened everything, brought her back to reality. _Deep breaths._ She pressed her forehead against the icy pavement.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, why did you come, you weren’t ready, why-_

‘Hey, princess!’


	8. Chapter 8

‘Hey, princess! You better not be leaving yet-’

Bellamy was immediately at her side.

‘What’s wrong? What happened?’ He laid his hands gently on her bare back. ‘Clarke, talk to me. Are you okay?’

She nodded weakly. ‘I’m fine. I’m okay.’ Slowly, she rose her head up, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. ‘I’ve, uh, been having these episodes. But I’m okay now.’

‘Episodes?’

‘Yeah,’ she swallowed thickly. ‘Certain things trigger memories of…and then suddenly, I can’t breathe. But usually they go away quickly.’

‘Can I do anything?’ His voice grew quiet enough that Clarke dared to glance at him. That was a mistake.

‘Wow,’ she smiled and tried not to laugh. ‘ ‘Tis the season.’

Bellamy crossed his arms, which did nothing to hide the most offensive part of the outfit: a rather large, obnoxious, knitted red-nose reindeer, complete with small bells dangling from antlers, marked the center of his chest. ‘Bet with Murphy. Don’t ask.’

‘No, it, uh, it looks good on you. You should wear stuff like that more often.’

‘Very funny,’ she guessed he realized then what she was wearing because his eyes widened. Unashamedly they trailed the length of her body, settling on her cleavage, which glistened with the body glitter Octavia insisted they adorn themselves with, per the occasion, then past her waist to the tops of her thighs, red from the cold. ‘Uh, I, uh-’

She knew he had a girlfriend, but a part of her was deeply satisfied that he’d been rendered speechless.

‘Blame your sister. She made me wear this.’

‘It, uh, no, it, you, uh…no, it looks nice. I mean, you look nice, in it.’ His cheeks burned pink. It had to have been the encroaching cold. Bellamy Blake didn’t get embarrassed, and he certainly didn’t blush.

‘Don’t get all soft on me now, Blake’ she started to climb to her feet.

‘Wouldn’t dare, Griffin’ He offered a hand to steady her. ‘Are you good? You sure you don’t need anything?’

‘I’m great,’ she smiled. A loud crash from inside the house caught their attention. Their heads both snapped in the direction of the noise, Bellamy’s, out of worry for his belongings, and Clarke’s, out of fear. ‘You should probably get back in there,’ short breaths escaped her lips in white clouds. _Don’t panic. You’re okay._ ‘I think I’m gonna stay out here a little bit longer, though. Clear my head.’

‘Clarke, it’s freezing. And that can’t be…’ his eyes roamed over her romper again. He swallowed noticeably. ‘Warm.’ It might’ve been her imagination, or the drop in temperature, but his voice seemed to rise slightly above its normal deep husk. Warm didn’t appear to be the word he would’ve used to describe her outfit, but he settled for it. ‘Here,’ he quickly shucked the ugly sweater off and wrapped it around her shoulders. That required him to take a few steps closer to her, close enough that she could feel warmth radiate from him. She’d thought he’d back away, but he didn’t.

‘No, really, I’m good,’ she started to protest. As soon as it was on her, she stared up at him, unsure and quiet. A small, but persistent part of her noted that they were only inches apart. She could smell his cologne: something woodsy, mixed with fresh mint and citrus.

‘What?’ His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

‘I’m just not sure it’s my color.’

‘Oh, shut up,’ he laughed hoarsely. She relished the sound. They hadn’t laughed like that together, so naturally, so freely, in a long time. She missed it. She missed him. Based on his softening grin, she could tell he did, too.

Snuggling into his sweater further, she stared at her feet. Silence stretched between them, but it didn’t feel forced or unbreachable like it once had. Though it wasn’t comfortable, either; there were too many words left unsaid. It just _was_.

‘So, your Christmas party everything you dreamed it would be?’ She said finally. Images of Jasper and Monty passing out peppermint shots flooded her mind, and she bit her lower lip to keep from laughing. ‘Murphy has certainly made himself-’

‘Clarke, I need to tell you something.’

‘Okay.’

‘What you said-’

Her heart seized. _What she’d said._ He couldn’t even say it. Dread weighed her down suddenly. Lincoln was trying to warn her earlier that Bellamy planned to talk to her about it, to tell her himself that he didn’t feel the same way. _I’m with Echo. I do love you, Clarke, like a sister. Like a friend._ She could hear it in the way he looked at her desperately then, as if she was some fragile thing he didn’t want to break. As if she needed to be handled carefully.

She couldn’t bear it, the pity. She couldn’t take being labelled the best friend who fell in love with the older brother, and had to be let down easily. And she didn’t want to lose him. The past few weeks they’d talked less than they had in their entire lives, all because she slipped up.

No. She wouldn’t let that happen. She wouldn’t ruin their friendship, not over a crush.

‘Look, I’m sorry,’ she sighed. ‘You were right. It was in the moment. You’d just rescued me, I was in shock. I’m pretty sure I told all the nurses I loved them, too. Just- don’t worry about it. It didn’t mean anything.’

‘It…didn’t?’

‘No, of course not,’ she shook her head and laughed. ‘Look, I do love you, Bellamy. You and O- you’re my family. Of course I love you.’ She ached at that, the longing beneath the surface struggling to remain suppressed. ‘I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea, like I have a stupid crush or something. It’s not that, I promise. I just so appreciate you always being there for me.’

‘Right.’

‘Thank you, seriously.’

They stared at each other. Clarke noticed he still hadn’t backed away.

He had a strangely distant look on his face as he processed her confession. To anyone else, his expression was blank, unreadable. Bellamy was notoriously stoic, but he felt a lot, and deeply. To her, well…she expected to see him relieved, the talk a weight off his shoulders. Instead, it was almost as if he was…

No. That was entirely her hoping for something that wasn’t there.

‘Here,’ she shed the sweater and handed it back to him. ‘Wouldn’t want Murphy to think you’re not holding up your end.’ She tucked her arms into her chest and fought against the shivers. ‘I’m gonna go find Octavia. See you in there?’

‘Yeah.’ He seemed dazed, as if he hadn’t really heard her, but nodded, anyway.

Before she stepped fully inside, she made sure to call out, ‘Oh, and Blake! I better see some of those famous dance moves.’

‘Where have you been?’ Raven greeted her with a shot of Jack in the kitchen. ‘We need you on the dance floor ASAP!’

Glancing over her shoulder, Clarke smiled softly. ‘Just needed a minute.’ Together they downed the shots. The burn of the whiskey helped drown the sob that clawed at her throat.

‘Come on, Octavia and Lincoln are waiting!’ Raven tugged on her hand.

‘One sec. I just need to grab something,’ She headed straight to the corner of the living room. He lounged there smugly. A young college girl had herself perched on the armrest, leaning forward flirtatiously. ‘If you don’t mind, I need to borrow him.’ She snatched Murphy’s wandering hand. ‘Come on, buttercup.’

‘Hey, if I knew you wanted me this badly-’ He realized their destination. ‘No, no, Griffin-’

‘Fucking finally,’ Raven reigned him in by his other hand. The rest of their group-which now included Monty and Jasper-cheered.

Clarke winked at him as he rolled his eyes. She dropped his hand eventually, but noticed, as they all started to feel out the rhythm and shout the lyrics, that Raven continued to hold the other firmly, which didn’t appear to annoy him in the slightest. In fact, from what Clarke could tell, he was definitely pleased.

She spotted Bellamy and Echo at one point dancing together amidst the chaos. When she caught his eye, a soft smile crept to her lips. She was happy for them. Happy for him.

Later, as the party died down, she found herself alone with Lincoln again. Murphy and Raven had snuck off somewhere under the ruse of acquiring more drinks. Octavia was busy arguing with Jasper and Monty over what the last song of the night should be.

‘So, did Bellamy get a chance to talk with you?’

‘Yeah, earlier. I think we were able to clear things up.’

‘Good. I know that’s been weighing on his chest for a while now.’

_Three weeks is a while, I guess._ She felt bad that her mistake had affected him so greatly, and that he’d been worried about hurting her feelings for so long. ‘Thanks for trying to warn me,’ she shoved him with her shoulder lightly. 

‘Yeah, well, it’s just, Bellamy’s been in love with you for so long, I wasn’t sure if he’d actually-’

She spit out the last of her drink. ‘I’m sorry, what?’

‘Bellamy being in love with you- wait, he did tell you, right?’


	9. Chapter 9

_Bellamy being in love with you._

_Wait, he did tell you, right?_

_Bellamy’s been in love with you for so long-_

‘Earth to Clarke,’ Octavia slammed her locker door shut and jolted her friend back to reality. ‘You okay?’

She fumbled with the textbooks in her arms. ‘Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, _loving_ being back.’

Octavia swung around in front of her, hand on her hip. ‘Okay, I know you, I know that _this_ isn’t about that.’

‘O,’ Clarke sighed heavily. ‘It’s just this week, coming back to school, having to follow up with Finn’s charges at the station-it’s a lot. I’m just tired.’

‘Come here,’ Her friend threw a sympathetic arm around her shoulder and guided her down the hall. People still stared, but not as much as they used to when they’d first heard she got attacked at a college party. ‘I’m sorry. I know it’s been tough, especially with your mom out of town for that medical conference thingy.’

Clarke didn’t have the energy or desire to get into the fact that nowadays she actually preferred when her mom was gone.

‘Why don’t you come over for dinner? My mom’s making lasagna.’

Clarke nestled into her neck. ‘That would be nice.’

‘And Bellamy gets home from his ski trip with Echo tonight!’ She made a gagging sound. ‘Ugh, I can’t stand her, but you know, my brother’s decent, I guess.’

‘Oh, uh,’ Clarke tensed. She hadn’t told Octavia what Lincoln admitted at the Christmas party. She’d wanted time to process it and confront him, given she figured Lincoln wasn’t one to lie, but found out he’d left for a ski trip the next day with Echo’s family. ‘Actually, I’ve got a lot of homework-’

‘I do too, dummy!’ She rapped on her forehead lightly. ‘That’s why we can work on it together! Get it done faster! Ooo, and then we can watch that episode of _Grey’s Anatomy_ I recorded!’

Linking arms, they made their way to their next class, Octavia practically skipping, Clarke trudging reluctantly, desperate for an excuse to get out of dinner with Bellamy and, possibly, his girlfriend. She decided the best course of action was to feign sudden illness when she got home, a bad headache, or cramps. That plan nullified her concern for the rest of the day, until the bell rang and Octavia announced happily that they could just go straight to hers. ‘You have all the stuff you need already, right?’

Just like before, Clarke never got away with lying to Octavia. Just withholding the truth.

They spent the afternoon cozied up under blankets with their laptops on her couch, reruns of _Grey’s_ playing in the background.

Around six, O’s mom called out that dinner was almost ready, and that Bellamy should be walking in the door any minute. She didn’t mention anything about Echo, Clarke noticed, and tried not to get her hopes up. Handling Bellamy was one thing. Seeing him with _her_ was an entirely different, considerably bigger problem.

Excusing herself to the bathroom to wash up, Clarke passed the front door just as it swung open.

Dragging a suitcase behind him, Bellamy, alone, stepped inside and brushed his coat of falling snowflakes. He did the same with his knitted hat, which freed a bed of dark, wet, tangled curls. Stomping his boots to dislodge chunks of ice on the welcome mat, he started to remove his scarf when he finally noticed he was being watched.

‘Clarke! What are you doing here?’ he demanded, exasperated.

‘O and I were working on homework,’ she explained quickly. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’

‘How was your trip? Are you officially a master of the slopes?’

‘What?’

‘Skiing.’

‘Oh, uh, I don’t know about that.’

‘Wow, okay. You just passed up an opportunity to brag. You must actually be good.’

‘Yeah, well,’ he seemed to snap out of his surprise and finished shedding the extra layers. ‘I’m naturally an expert at everything, so.’

‘There it is, the ol’ ego,’ she laughed and crossed her arms over her chest. ‘I’ve missed it.’

He shut the door and glanced at her curiously.

‘Bellamy! Is that you?’ His mom called from the kitchen.

‘Yeah, I’m home!’ His eyes didn’t leave Clarke. ‘Are you, uh, are you leaving?’

‘Are you kidding? I’m only in this for the lasagna. I’m just gonna-‘ she motioned to the bathroom.

‘Good. I mean, good that you’re staying.’

‘Is Echo out parking the car?’ she joked half-heartedly.

‘What? Oh. No, I dropped her off,’ he paused thoughtfully. ‘Actually, we-’

They were interrupted as Aurora rounded the corner, holding her arms out to her son. ‘And where is my hug?’ she demanded, waving a spatula covered in red sauce at him.

Clarke seized the opportunity to dip into the bathroom as the two reunited. Echo must’ve been exhausted from the trip, or wanted to give Bellamy space with his family. Either way, she was just glad she wouldn’t have to sit across the table from her. She still stood by the fact that she was happy for them, she just didn’t want to subject her heart to any more cruel and unusual punishment than she absolutely had to, being best friends with his sister.

Dinner was decidedly, thankfully normal, and something Clarke realized with sadness she missed having in her own home. Her mom always seemed busy with work since her dad’s death; they barley ever shared a meal with each other. Bellamy regaled them with skiing stories, but notably left out Echo in most of them. They mainly focused on his inability to stand up for the first few days and the various trees he’d tangled with. Occasionally she’d catch his eye, and he’d offer her a small smile. Her stomach fluttered every time. _Stop,_ she warned it. She couldn’t go down that road again, not without verifying what Lincoln had revealed.

After dinner, her and Octavia returned to the living room to finish their homework. Bellamy set about cleaning the dishes, but when he was done, he joined them. Settling into the armchair, he began to read, propping his book open on his leg and slipping on his thick-framed glasses. Clarke tried to ignore him, but every once in a while, she succumbed to the urge of glancing over at him. He appeared to be deep in thought, his brow furrowed in concentration.

She wanted to ask him if what Lincoln had said was true, but she wasn’t sure how to get him alone.

Turns out, she didn’t need to worry. Around nine, Octavia announced with a yawn that she was absolutely done with studying. Kissing Clarke quickly on the cheek, she bid her dramatic farewell and ambled up the stairs, no doubt to call Lincoln and chat with him for the next few hours. The two never seemed to get tired of each other.

‘I guess that’s my cue,’ Clarke laughed and began to gather her things.

‘You can stay, if you want.’

She stared at him for a moment. ‘Oh, thank you, but I probably should get home. It’s late.’

He didn’t argue.

This was the perfect time to bring it up, Octavia distracted and Aurora already in bed, but for some reason, all courage abandoned her body. She couldn't do it. ‘It was good to see you,’ She waved lamely, throwing her bag over her shoulder. ‘Bye.’

He stood quickly. ‘I’ll, uh,’ a hand swept through his curls. ‘I’ll walk you out.’

‘You don’t have to.’

‘I don’t mind. I gotta, uh, grab something out of my car, anyway.’

‘Okay.’ She smiled softly and led the way to the front door.

Once outside, she started to head down the driveway towards her car. She slipped slightly on the ice that coated the concrete. Reflexively, he caught her elbow and was able to keep her upright.

‘Thanks,’ she laughed breathlessly, winded from the scare. Waving, she started to walk away again, only to be stopped abruptly by his next words:

‘Clarke. How do you really feel about me?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be emotional, just a warning :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this. 
> 
> Comments and kudos so so appreciated! I will respond to them the next chance I get, but thank you for all the reads :)

When Clarke was nine, she was busy playing happily outside in the Blake’s backyard with Octavia when she fell off her scooter and skinned her knee badly. Octavia had yelled for her big brother, and out through the sliding glass doors strode Bellamy Blake, by far the coolest sixth grader at their school. She was so intimidated by him that she did nothing but whimper as he cleaned off the blood at their kitchen sink.

_‘Don’t worry,’ he smiled and tucked a loose strand of blonde behind her ear. ‘I’ve got lots of scars, and they don’t hurt anymore. You’ll be okay.’_

That was the day she had decidedly fallen in love with him, an infatuation from which she had never recovered, even nine years later.

It was also the day she decided it was going to forever remain a secret.

Until now.

She feigned ignorance at his question, laughing quietly. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Just-‘ he took a deep breath, balled his fists, released them. ‘I need to know.’

_You can’t. He’s happy with someone else. Lie. Protect him. Protect yourself._

‘I can’t answer that, Bellamy.’

She turned, started to walk away. Tears threatened to form, but she batted at them quickly, burying herself in the books she was carrying as if to hide from the cold. They both knew she was hiding from something else, but she hoped he would let her go, anyway. _Please, don’t-_

Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Not with him.

‘Why not?’

_Why not?_ She should’ve kept walking. She needed to put distance between them. But something about his tone- incredulous, demanding, desperate- why not? _Because you have a girlfriend!_ she wanted to scream. _Because telling you might ruin everything! Because you’re just going to break my heart, and I’m broken enough as it is you stubborn jackas-_

She whirled around and nearly slipped again. ‘How do _you_ feel about _me,_ huh? And don’t you dare say you asked me first.’

_There. Have a taste, Bellamy Blake._

‘I love you!’

He shouted it into the night.

She blinked, stunned.

‘What?’

His voice softened after a moment. ‘I love you, Clarke.’ It didn’t seem to be directed towards her this time, but to himself, as if he had just now realized the truth behind the words. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and shuffled over to lean against his truck, seemingly defeated, his shoulders sagging with the relief of a curse lifted. Maybe Lincoln had been right. Maybe he had been bearing this for a while, and finally found the courage to admit it.

That didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t free to be hers.

‘Bellamy, that’s not funny, okay? Seriously,’ she shook her head and stormed towards her car. Frazzled and frustrated, she threw her things into the front seat, accidentally dropping a textbook. It slid near her tire. She bent to retrieve it as he approached.

‘Seriously? I am being serious. Clarke,’ he reached out to her calmly, sweetly.

‘No, no, that’s not fair, okay? Just stop it,’ She shook him off.

He tried to argue back, but blood had rushed to her ears. Everything he said was slurred and distorted. _He loves you. He loves you._ She raged at how her heart raced, at how time seemed to slow, at how the rest of the world melted away. At how he continued to try to comfort and convince her, despite her rattling off softly, ‘‘Stop it. I can’t- I don’t- don’t do this, Bellamy,’ she shook her head again, more vehemently. Her voice rose with anger. ‘Don’t do this to me.’

_Enough._

Breaking away, she slipped out of his grasp and a few, safe feet away.

‘What about Echo, huh?’ She screamed. ‘What about-‘

‘We broke up.’

Again, she stood there, speechless.

‘What?’

‘I broke up with her,’ He shrugged. ‘She’s not you.’

Clarke registered this for a few, tense moments before deciding it didn’t make sense. ‘You just went on a trip together, you can’t have-’

‘It didn’t go well. We both realized it wasn’t going to work,’ He said matter-of-factly, as if it didn’t bother him at all. He’d broken up with her. Just like that. No big deal. Next.

She stared at him. Tears broke free and clung to her eyelashes. They left hot, wet trails down her pink cheeks. ‘You should’ve told me,’ she whispered.

‘I tried to, earlier. At the Christmas party,’ He paused. Ran a hand through his hair. Sighed. ‘Clarke, I’ve always loved you. I’ve been in love with you for years. I just- I didn’t think you felt the same way, and I didn’t want to lose you. But then, that night, after- you said…and I thought…well, maybe I was wrong. Maybe you did feel…but Echo and I, we’d just started something, and I didn’t feel right just throwing that away.’ He avoided looking at her, instead staring out onto the empty street, letting the wind steal his breath. The warm light of nearby streetlamps pooled around him, deepening the olive tone of his skin, melding together the dark pinpricks along his face into something of a rosy glow. A few, stray snowflakes floated waywardly down, nestling in his tousled curls.

‘Say something, please,’ he pierced the silence they’d settled into unknowingly. His voice cracked. She noticed then that a few, glittery tears had also escaped down his cheeks. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable. She had his heart, could feel it beating in her palm.

She took a deep, shuddering breath. Glanced away.

‘‘I need some time,’ she dragged her sleeve across her lips slowly. ‘Yeah, I, uh, I need…’

_What?_ What did she need?

She knew. She had known, but didn’t want to accept it.

Here was everything she wanted, right here, in front of her, standing there, confessing their love.

And she knew she couldn’t take it.

‘Bell, there isn’t a single moment of my life I remember when I wasn’t in love with you,’ He cracked a smile. It was heart-breakingly hopeful. She kept going. _Don’t look back._ ‘And these past few weeks have been really hard, for a bunch of reasons. But the hardest was learning to let you go. I was attacked, almost raped, and still the hardest thing for me was accepting you being happy with someone else. It took more strength than I have.

‘Lincoln told me about how you felt. He thought you’d talked to me. And at first, I was beyond happy. I wanted so desperately to tell you. I even fantasized about driving up to the mountains and crashing your trip. But I decided to wait. And as I waited, I thought…it’s not good, not healthy, that getting over you is harder than recovering from Finn. It’s not. And I realized…I’d invested so much time, so much energy, into loving you for _years,_ thinking it was unrequited, that I’d never really given myself a chance to…not. Love you. To not think about you all the time.

‘And I think I need that. I think I need that chance. Because Bellamy, you’ve been everything to me for s _o long_ , but when I saw you walk out of that room with Echo at that party…it hit me, that it’s not the same. I’m way more invested. And I need to take a step back.’

‘That’s not true, Clarke, Clarke, I love you. You’re the only one I want to be with-’ he sobbed, closing the distance between them desperately.

‘Bellamy,’ before she could say anything else, she felt the firm press of his lips on hers. The kiss was quick, and messy, and wet. Their faces were both soaked in tears. But she savored it. And before she allowed it to consume her, she broke it off, resting her forehead against his. ‘I love you, too. I always have. But I know it’s true, because if I thought for even a second I had a chance with you, if you had said _I love you_ …I wouldn’t have put that aside for someone else, no matter how special. I would’ve thrown whatever I had with that person away without a second thought. I wouldn’t have knowingly let you torture yourself for weeks, just to give something else a shot.’ She kept her eyes closed, couldn’t bear to see her heartbreak mirrored in his own. Instead, she held his face close. ‘I need time. And I can’t ask you to wait for me-‘

‘I will, I will wait-‘

‘Don’t,’ she said firmly, pressing her forehead into his. ‘Please, Bellamy, don’t. Because I have waited for you. And it sucks to put your life on hold for someone else. It’s the worst.’

‘Clarke, don’t do this. I’m sorry-‘

‘Don’t be. I’m not,’ She smiled somehow. Somehow, despite everything, she relished in the feeling that she was making the right decision. ‘Thank you for finally telling me.’

He was silent for a few minutes, but eventually, slowly nodded. ‘I’m sorry I was too late.’

She shook her head and finally opened her eyes, allowing herself to look right into his sincerely at the risk of taking everything back. He looked shattered, beyond repair. It almost worked. Almost. ‘Things have a way of working themselves out how they’re supposed to.’

And despite everything, he was able to laugh. It was dry and exhausted, but it was there, however faint. ‘Did Jasper feed you that bullshit?’ She grinned.

For a few, stolen moments, they shared a certain happiness. Clarke let all dreams of their future together flood her mind vividly as they held onto each other tightly. Then she tucked them neatly away and shut the drawer.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you,’ She bit her lip, a sob clawing its way past her throat. She had no voice left, but mumbled, anyway, ‘I’m gonna go now, okay?’

‘Okay,’ he mouthed.

‘Okay.’

Her fingertips grazed his freckles lightly, and then dropped away.

She didn’t look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's taken me a while to update! 
> 
> Comments and kudos always appreciated :) Thank you for the support!

~One And a Half Years Later~

‘Got everything?’

Clarke heaved the last box into the back of the car, wedging it in between her rug and bedding, and sighed heavily. ‘I think so.’ Her eyes wandered over the old, brick building somewhat sadly. She was going to miss this place.

A distant honk snapped her back to the day.

‘Hey!’ Octavia hung out of the driver’s window of her SUV, large sunglasses askew, and waved. ‘Catch ya later, roomie!’ In the front seat, she caught sight of Lincoln chuckling and shaking his head. Music drowned out Clarke’s response as the two sped away.

‘Ready to go?’ Bellamy ambled over to where Clarke was perched on the bumper.

‘That depends,’ she punched him lightly on the arm. ‘You ready to graduate tomorrow?’

‘Definitely not,’ he laughed. She noticed how his hair, dark and mussed as always, fell into his eyes as he glanced down at his feet. ‘But hey- you’re not getting rid of me yet. I’m still going for that master’s next year.’

‘Right’ Clarke reached overhead to close the trunk. ‘So you can torture the rest of us some more, but as our teacher instead.’

‘Exactly.’ She tried not to focus on his grin, but it was hard not to notice. It lit up his whole face.

‘Well,’ Clarke buckled herself into his jeep. ‘Onward.’

‘Want a milkshake first?’

‘You read my mind.’

Moments like these came easy to them now. That wasn’t always the case; they’d avoided each other for the rest of the semester after that night, and well into the following summer. Octavia could sense something was up, but after a few weeks of pestering them both, let it slide. Even their high school graduation was tense, especially when Aurora forced them all in a picture together. But after Clarke’s mom fell into trouble with drugs and checked herself into a local rehab center, and Clarke opted to accept Arcadia’s offer instead of going to John Hopkins like she’d planned in the fall, the tension eased. Her and Octavia became official freshman roommates, equipped with a small, shitty dorm room which Clarke was surprised to find she was going to miss, and Bellamy and his friends became their group. They did almost everything together. College football games, karaoke nights, off-campus parties. They even had standing dinner dates and game nights. On breaks, Clarke found herself going on camping trips. And for holidays, she always ended up at the Blake’s.

It took some time to adjust seeing each other constantly, but eventually, her and Bellamy resolved to pick up and resume their friendship. It wasn’t what it used to be, but it was enough to get by. When her mom relapsed the first time, Bellamy was there to hold her hand. When Aurora was diagnosed with cancer, Clarke attended her chemo sessions with him. They, plus Octavia, saw her through to remission three months ago. When Raven got in her car accident, they took turns staying nights at the hospital and driving her to physical therapy.

Everything seemed to fall into place. Clarke knew it wouldn’t hold forever, but the walls she’d built remained steadfast, sturdy. They weren’t perfect, and occasionally she’d wonder if she made a mistake, turning him away.

But then she met Lexa, the TA of her sculpture class. She was bold and brilliant, and wore loose-fitting clothes and her hair in braids. Clarke fell in love, hard and fast. They started working late hours in the shop together, and Clarke made excuses to visit her office hours every week. She talked Clarke into vegetarianism and joining an animal rights activist group on campus. They’d check out poetry nights and new bands at nearby cafes. She even convinced Clarke to get a tattoo. Everything about Lexa was fun. They were never serious, Lexa didn’t believe in relationship labels, but it was clear to everyone around them that they were _incredibly_ into each other.

They’d decided to end things a few weeks ago only because Lexa was planning on back-packing around Europe that summer, and then teaching on a remote island for the Peace Corps following graduation.

‘You could come with me,’ Lexa kissed her bare shoulder one night, their limbs tangled beneath Clarke’s sheets. ‘We could go anywhere you want.’

At first, she’d agreed. But with her mom’s condition worsening, the group planning their own post-graduation trip, which she’d been invited on, and a lack of available funds to sustain running around Europe _and_ paying for rehab, she decided it was best if she stayed. That led to a longer, deeper conversation about ‘them,’ which ultimately ended with their parting ways as friends. She was sad for a while, of course, but not devastated. A part of her would always cherish Lexa, but she was a free spirit, able to bounce around happily and live one day to the next; Clarke liked her roots.

‘You told her no?!’ Raven shouted, exasperated, when she announced her decision. The group had gathered at their favorite joint to frequent on Saturday nights, _Grounders,_ a dingy bar not far from campus that never checked IDs, much to Clarke and Octavia’s advantage.

Clarke shrugged. ‘It’s just not the right time.’

‘Babe,’ Raven leaned forward, palms spread out on the table. ‘You mean to tell me you turned down having sex with your hot-as-hell, hippie girlfriend in sketchy, gross European hostels because _you just don’t feel like it?’_

Octavia voiced her agreement, while Jasper, Monty, and Murphy all stared at Clarke, open-mouthed.

Raven reached over and shut Murphy’s. ‘Have a little class, will you?’

Bellamy and Lincoln were occupied with a nearby pool game, but Clarke could tell, as Lincoln took his turn, that Bellamy had heard every word. She caught him glance over, ever so subtly, interested in her reply.

‘Well, believe or not, I don’t have all the money in the world, and rehab programs cost a lot, so,’ She took a sip of her beer. That seemed to shut everyone up on the subject, even Raven.

Her mom had relapsed three times now since her addiction began. Clarke wished she’d caught onto it sooner. It apparently started not long after her dad’s death, but it only really became noticeable the summer after graduation. With her mom gone for ‘work’ so often, she hadn’t seen much of her, at least not enough to detect anything suspicious. By the time they got her help, she’d been suspended by the hospital for her aggressive, temperamental behavior towards colleagues and patients. Once they uncovered she’d been stealing drugs, she lost her job permanently. Clarke found a three-month program not far from home. Abby completed it every time with ‘flying colors,’ only to restart her habit a few weeks later. With no source of viable income, Clarke resorted to living off the money her dad left her for college. With her mom’s re-admittance to the program for a fourth time, however, her only option was to get a job and downsize. That meant saying goodbye to her childhood home, to memories of growing up there.

Bellamy had offered to help her move out of the dorm. They’d be moving in with him next year, anyway, replacing Lincoln and Murphy in the off-campus house. Once all her boxes made it there, they’d spend the first few weeks of summer moving her mom into a local apartment, and the rest into storage.

They hadn’t discussed if it would be awkward living together, especially if they brought people home, but their makeshift friendship appeared strong enough to agree to the idea. And no will, no matter how strong, could survive Octavia’s constant badgering, _‘It’ll be so fun! Please! Pretty please! With cherries!’_

‘I need help with rent to keep the place, and I’ll, uh, just stay out of your hair. I’ll be up grading papers late, anyway, so you can have parties, and uh, people…over,’ a hand raked through his curls as he chewed on his lip thoughtfully.

‘As long as you’re sure,’ she’d said carefully.

As far as she knew, Bellamy had remained single the past year. Sure, there’d been the occasional hook-up, but nothing as serious as Echo. She wasn’t sure how, since girls practically threw themselves at him everywhere they went. She had hoped he’d have a Lexa, that way she wouldn’t feel bad about bringing her along to group hang-outs. But he never seemed uncomfortable around her, just quiet. And when they broke up, his attitude towards Clarke didn’t change. He wasn’t suddenly at her door. He continued to give her the space she needed.

‘Okay, so’ Clarke slammed his jeep door shut and licked swirls of peanut butter from her spoon. ‘Milkshakes acquired. Now what?’

‘I suppose we call in the troops. You have a lot of shit.’

She bumped his hip playfully. ‘Excuse me? Did you see what your sister’s side of the room looked like? I’m surprised I was even able to fit half of this stuff! You know, she could probably open a mall and make a _fortune.’_

‘Yeah, well, Lincoln drew the short end of the stick so he’s going to have _a lot_ of fun today.’

‘Consider yourself lucky you just _happen_ to be busy helping a friend.’

‘Trust me, as soon as O asked for help, I volunteered. You’re easier. Now, let’s hurry up before they get here and make ourselves scarce,’ He set down his Oreo milkshake on the curb and opened the trunk.

‘Hey, thanks, by the way, for doing this,’ Clarke stuffed her hands in her pockets as she sidled up to join him. ‘I really appreciate it, especially since my mom…well, it’s just…I don’t really have anyone else.’

‘Well,’ he leaned in to retrieve a box. ‘You’ve always got me.’ A second later, he added quickly, ‘And O. And my mom. And the others. Murphy I wouldn’t count on, but everyone else, yeah.’

She laughed and shook her head. ‘I can get Murphy to bend to my will, no problem.’

‘Yeah, I think Reyes has got him pretty house-trained by now.’

After a few weeks of avoiding the group’s questioning looks, Raven and Murphy finally broke down and admitted they’d been seeing each other secretly. Close to one year later, they were still going strong. It was off and on, of course, but they only stayed mad at the other for a few days before making up passionately (and publicly). 

When Raven first divulged it to her, she expected Clarke to be shocked and somewhat disgusted. Instead, Clarke had rolled her eyes. _‘Well it’s about damn time!’_ Murphy looked smug, but Raven relentlessly interrogated everyone. ‘Did you know? What do you mean? We were _not_ that obvious!’

When Raven got in her accident, she’d never seen Murphy so broken like that. She hoped she’d never have to again. The image of him, bent over, head in his hands, helpless and shaking, alone in the waiting room to greet them, it still haunted her.

‘You’re right. You don’t have _that_ much stuff,’ Bellamy admitted sarcastically twenty minutes later, lugging in the last box from his jeep, slightly out of breath and sweaty.

‘Look on the bright side: you’ve been awarded the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to dig up some good dirt on me, now that you’ve held exactly everything I own.’

‘I grew up with you, Clarke. I already have plenty of ammunition.’

‘You wouldn’t. Not the-‘

He nodded sinisterly.

‘Blake!’ She ran at him, her fists balled. ‘I told you-to-never’ she warned in between punches ‘ever-tell-that-story-to-anyone-‘

‘I won’t, I won’t! I was just kidding!’ He cried out. She continued to pummel him. One left hook sent them careening towards the mattress. The springs creaked as they fell on top of each other.

Laughing, Clarke rolled onto her back to stare up at the ceiling. Bellamy propped himself to look down at her, his grin wide. They both remained silent for a few minutes, trying to catch their breath.

Just as Clarke was about to suggest they go get something to eat, she was cut off by the gentle, eager press of lips and tongue. 


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke found her fingers wound in dark, tousled waves. She met his mouth hungrily. They’d kissed before, but that had been somber, bittersweet. A peck. An act of desperation. Wet with tears. This was passionate. Unhinged. Electric. At some point, they sat up. Clarke crawled into Bellamy’s lap, straddled his hips on the edge of the mattress. He cradled her face when they broke for breath and rested his forehead against hers. Their hearts beat heavily, languidly. A pained expression shadowed his eyes. He closed them and turned slightly away. _No_ , Clarke thought. She bent down and recaptured his lips fiercely. Her tongue parted his mouth, deepening the kiss. There was so much to explore, so much to taste. Her fingertips fluttered down his shoulders, then to his back, where she closed the distance easily between their chests, looking for friction. She wanted to melt into him. She could feel his pants tighten beneath her. With one arm, he held her against him and flipped them so that she was now on her back. She laughed. He began to crawl on top of her, his hands on either side of her head, his body a lithe arc, when suddenly, he broke off the kiss.

‘I’m so sorry,’ He eased off the bed. The heat that had been there one moment vanished entirely, and Clarke shuddered at its loss. ‘Clarke, I’m so-I’m so sorry.’

He perched on the edge, his head in his hands. Clarke moved to sit up slowly, confused. ‘Bellamy, hey, it’s okay.’

‘No, it’s not,’ his hands raked through his hair and landed on the nape of his neck. His shoulders remained hunched and low as he let his head dangle between his knees. ‘I’m sorry. You asked for space, and then I just-do that, and-’

‘Hey,’ She whispered reassuringly. ‘You do realize I wasn’t exactly fighting you off back there.’

‘I know, I just-’ he sighed. ‘That wasn’t cool, and I’m sorry.’

‘Well, I liked it, so no worries.’ _Liked is an understatement._ That was probably clear by how disheveled she’d gotten so quickly.

‘I’m glad,’ he laughed sheepishly, finally meeting her dazed eyes. ‘It’s just, I know that with our history, there’s a lot more to this emotionally than just a random make-out. I mean, a kiss means a lot more, you know, especially since we’re not drunk, and we’re friends, and we’re moving in together technically, and you might not be ready, or even want to…There’s just more to think about. And I wasn’t really thinking. I just did it.’

She nodded slowly. Truth be told, she hadn’t really considered any of that. Kissing Bellamy felt good, right. But she supposed she didn’t really have a chance to check in with herself, how it would make her feel, not just if she was ready to be with someone else after Lexa, but if she was ready to be with _him._ And unfortunately, he was right. A kiss between them came with baggage. Unrequited love. Miscommunication. Heartbreak.

‘Anyway,’ he started to head towards the door. ‘Let’s just forget about it, okay? We’ll just pretend like it never happened, until you’re ready to talk about it.’

‘Hey,’ she reached out to him. He turned, accepting her outstretched hand. She allowed him to pull her up so they stood close. Their fingers entwined, and they both stared down at their feet as their grip on each other tightened. ‘I don’t want you to go…so can we, um, _not_ think about it right now? Maybe? Please?’

He smiled softly. ‘Clarke…I don’t want to rush you-’

She shook her head quickly. ‘Trust me.’ When he still looked skeptical, she continued, ‘Bellamy, this past year has been full of a lot of _thinking,_ and reasoning, and making tough decisions. And I know I asked for space…but right now, I just really want to say to hell with all of it. Because kissing you…’ She lost the words, but if her blush was anything to go by, he picked up on what she was trying to say.

Apparently he didn’t need any more convincing. She felt his palm gently cup her face, and then the exquisite return of his lips on hers, hot and hungry. His fingers tangled in her hair and pulled, exposing her neck. His mouth began to work its way down to her collarbone, biting at her pulse point lightly. She moaned loudly, allowing him to slowly edge her back towards the mattress, enjoying the feel of his teeth at her throat. Her own fingers landed at his waist and began to trace the exposed skin there, below his t-shirt. She fumbled with its hem and started to tug upward. His eyes found hers, questioning, and she nodded almost imperceptibly, still wrapped up in the haze of being with him. She felt old feelings rouse somewhere deep within, but she pushed them down. There was time to deal with them later.

Just as they lowered themselves onto the bed, they heard a car door slam shut from the driveway. Octavia’s muffled voice began to filter through the blinds as she teased Lincoln about something.

_‘Shit.’_ They both hurriedly rose and began to fix their clothes. Bellamy slid his shirt back on and slumped on the couch in the corner, feigning exhaustion. Clarke tied her hair back and started rummaging through a box. They only had enough time to spare each other an amused, relieved look before Octavia came crashing through the door without knocking.

‘You’re already done?!’

‘Are you kidding?’ Bellamy huffed. He was good at making himself look flushed from unloading boxes, and not from making out with his sister’s best friend. ‘We just got done unloading everything out of the car!’

‘Good,’ Octavia stated happily. ‘That makes me feel better.’

‘Yeah, um’ Clarke glanced at Bellamy. ‘I think I’m gonna start unpacking…’

She knew it was a feeble attempt to buy them some alone time and that Octavia might possibly (definitely) see through it, especially given the red, slightly swollen state of her lips, but at that point, all she cared about was getting back to it, feelings be damned.

‘No way! We are taking a break,’ she grabbed Clarke’s hand and dragged her towards the door. ‘Come on, I’m starving.’

‘What about your stuff?’ Bellamy’s voice sounded slightly hoarse, weak, and Clarke felt a twinge of pride at being the one to do that to him. He cleared his throat.

‘I’ll unload the rest of it later! I got the stuff I don’t need to mom’s, so I feel accomplished.’ She looped her arm through Clarke’s. ‘Now, pancakes.’

Clarke shot him an apologetic look over her shoulder. _I tried._ He shrugged and smirked.

They met up with the rest of the group at their local diner. It was a 24-hour spot they usually liked to gather at late on Thursdays, or when they were drunk and needed a snack, but today was an exception.

‘Here, here!’ Jasper raised his glass of chocolate milk. ‘A toast! We’re done, baby!’

Everyone chuckled and took swigs of their drinks. After dragging his sleeve dramatically across his mouth, he added, ‘Except for Octavia and Clarke, of course. And Bellamy, I guess. Sorry, guys.’

Octavia rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t remind me.’ Lincoln laughed and kissed the top of her head as she groaned.

‘Way to go, doofus,’ Monty hit Jasper’s chest as he settled back down in the booth somberly. Harper, Monty’s girlfriend of a few months and the newest addition to the group, rested her head on his shoulder as she giggled.

‘You’ll be alright,’ Raven said assuredly. ‘It’ll go by fast.’

‘I hope so,’ Octavia sighed into her glass of orange juice. Everyone knew she wasn’t just talking about school. Lincoln had to move to a bigger city a few hours away for his new job, meaning they’d have to do long-distance. It was going to be painful for them both.

Clarke sipped her hot chocolate as the group broke into bouts of chatter about the future, noticing that she wasn’t the only one to remain silent. Bellamy sat across from her and nursed his coffee thoughtfully. She dared to glance at him, and was surprised to find him looking back.

She smiled softly. Yes, they had a lot to talk about. And yes, it was probably going to get complicated. Kissing him this afternoon brought a lot of buried things to the surface. She was going to have to address those emotions soon. But for now, she was content sharing this secret, this intimacy.

No one needed to know. Yet. Not until they had things figured out.

‘Yo Griffin,’ Murphy caught her attention. ‘Why are you making bedroom eyes at Blake over there?’


End file.
